Bad Cartoon Idea

It's time to share another bad cartoon idea. This is a joke I really wanted to work but it just doesn't. To me, there's something about it that's slightly funny but overall it's too wordy and mean-spirited. 

EDIT (5/24): A few days ago, a cartoonist friend of mine, Jason Nocera, told me that this sketch made him laugh and suggested I do a final version of it. So I went back and took another look at it. This time, it made me laugh. So I decided to give it a shot. Here's the final version: